


Unwilling King

by QueenOfSkaro



Series: King Kili [3]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, Injured!Fili, King Kíli, M/M, Self-Worth Issues, So much angst, graves, mentally unstable Kili, mourning!Kili
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-21 12:55:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6052362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenOfSkaro/pseuds/QueenOfSkaro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili is the king of Erebor. You do realize what had to happen to get to that point, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unwilling King

There was a kind of silence around him he was never able to really describe. Deafenig, sort of. It pushed down on him, almost drowned him in darkness and cold and the dust flakes from decades upon decades of decay.  
He didn't like it down here, but every once in a while - and he didn't want to admit that it was closer to every other week than once a year like it was common - he found his way down to the catacombs, absorbing the atmosphere and silence and - breathed.  
Breathed in the decay and grief and desperation. the new ages every now dead king lead on and the failure when some great plan didn't work out. The heroics and bruised egos and sickness.

They were all assembled in these halls, every ancestor who sat on the throne before him and knew the weight it brought. He paid his respect to them by bowing his head to every coffin, trying to remember the stories he heard in history class about their names. The good kings and the young kings and those who killed to get the crown. He remembered the mad kings and the fair kings and the great kings.   
And he remembered all the way down every line until the very last one, the very last coffin.

herein lies thorin oakenshield who fought hard and died strong and protected those we call his. here he lies and will lie forever more, to be met in Mahals halls again, he will lead us to the new forming of the new world. he will be missed dearly as he was loved dearly and we will think of him for all times to come.

No one else had an engraving quiet as expressive as this, but no other king was loved as much as this one either. He couldn't imagine any of the others living through what Thorin had to endure and be as dedicated to his family and his people. An extravagant dedication for an extravagant leader.

His breathing got worse as he stood there, trying to find solace in his uncles presence, but not finding any. He never did, but it didn't keep him from coming down and trying again. Sometimes he couldn't stand to be up in the towns, where life bustled and everyone went about their days.

Sometimes it was easier to be surrounded by death, when all he had up there felt worse.  
"I'm ungrateful again." he whispered as low as he was able to, even though it still echoed through the hall. And he was right, he was. He knew he should be grateful, should thank Mahal and probably Thorin himself for saving his One, but what life did his One lead, not being able to remember anything? Not able to sit up most days, not able to talk. Mahal, he missed his voice. Every little thing pained him and it hurt so much to realise that everything what once made them _them_ was gone. Gone with an assassination attempt that wasn't even meant for him, but that didn't matter now. He killed the attacker with a throw down the great stairs but the assailant held on and took him with him. He hit his head. Split it open. 

Kili, in all his panic, called out for Oin as he flew down the stairs himself, even though Oin died over ten years ago.   
Filis hair was red and his tunic too and his crown lay a good few yards to the side. Eyes so bright once dulled rapidly as Kili watched on and begged him to stop, stop dieing, stop leaving, stop stop stop.   
A healer arrived what seemed like a second later, not Oin, of course not, but Filis only chance at survival. Kili was pulled away and he didn't struggle, felt like a puppet with snapped strings. When they stopped pulling he sprawled onto the floor in an ungraceful heap, still begging everything to stop.

It didn't. Fili survived but only barely and he still lay in coma as Kili was crowned, the blond declared brain dead by the most optimistic of healers.  
Everyone talked like he was dieing, like he was already dead even. The crown on his head weight him down, remembered him of the fact that he couldn't protect his One and that he would fail their people now too.

This wasn't how he wanted to be king. Truthfully, he never really wanted to, not for real at least. Kili could remember playing as a child, with Fili always at his side. He started crying softly.  
"He sat up today, uncle. I don't think he realised he did it, but I saw him doing it. Do you think it's a good sign?" he asked Thorins remains, but he was slumped and hopeless. "The healers say it doesn't mean anything. They call it muscle memory. They say I waste my hope. Do you think so too?"  
Sitting down on the floor he hid his face in his hands. His uncle was always there, it was so hard without him here in this situation. It was months already and Kili felt himself running thin. His skin felt too tight, the air to shallow and he felt incredibly alone.

"if I lose my hope what have I left?" he asked no one particular and a sob escaped him.

Kili wasn't made to be a king. He was made to be the warrior, the knight to protect the king, the shield between them and any weapon.  
He was always meant to die first, because he wasn't cut out to live without them. He was dependent and pathetic and he failed to keep them safe, twice.  
He wasn't with Thorin as it happened, but that doesn't mean he didn't beat himself up over it. And Fili was his fault alone, it should have been him, Fili would have coped so much better without him.  
A deep heavy breath caught in his throat, making him cough and wheeze for a while. Taking it as his cue he heaved himself up after calming down. 

"I'll come back, uncle. I won't be long." he whispered with a hand lying upon the engraving.  
Heavy steps took him through the endless lines of tombs, up flights of stairs and down corridors. He greeted dwarfs and was greeted in return and he looked the world bravely in its eyes, because he couldn't do anything else. He would weather through this and come out of it alive. Dead in heart to Filis brain death, inextricably aligned even in their half-death states. 

The air in the royal corridor was cold and fresh from outside, coming through endless airation systems and it felt wrong after the stale dust from the catacombs. He reached the door to his chambers and didn't even think about it before he pushed them open. He knew what he would find in his rooms. Fili would sit in front of the window. A nurse was probably just set the table before she had to feed the blond. 

Kili did it too sometimes, but he didn't feel capable of it right now. He wanted to survive the evening and then curl up in his too empty bed, because Fili got his own room now in their chambers and he had the feeling he would cry tonight.   
Not lifting his eyes he wished Fili and the nurse a good evening, shuffling out of his coat and heavy boots and into the bathroom for a quick wash. He didn't feel any better as he came out, but at least the death was gone from his hands.  
"ev'nin' kee.", he heard a low mumble and stopped, lifted his head a little and looked around. He was tense and stiff and didn't dare to hope to ask to breath.  
Fili looked at him, the most miniscule smile on his face and it was barely there but still so so much more than he saw for months from his One. And his voice, matted and gravelled from unuse was the most precious sound Kili could imagine right now.

"evening, fee." he answered automatically, raw and desperate and hurting and he took a step closer. The nurse did something, he wasn't sure what and it wasn't important, because his Fili recognised him again and no healer could deter him from his hope now ever again. The dimples on Filis face deepened the tiniest bit and it was the moment Kili fell onto his knees in front of his brother.


End file.
